there's paper in my vomit.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
