oh god the rape fog is back!
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
