if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
