R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
