You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
