We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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