I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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