Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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