I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
