K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I enjoy the company of your penis
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
