he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
