sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
