a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
