Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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