watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
