Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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