I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
