Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
