you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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