Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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