its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
