I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
