Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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