I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Randomize
