Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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