i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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