how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
