Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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