Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
accomplished twins. life is a go
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
