Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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