i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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