I only kidnapped one of them. chill
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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