My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
