im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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