Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
organizing the empties. That sober.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
