You smell like a Billy Joel song
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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