my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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