Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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