I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
My vagina just recognized that song.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I can't put those talents on a resume
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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