My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
