She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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