i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
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woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
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That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina