My liver just broke up with me...
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
These 19 Teachers Had Very Inappropriate Interactions With Students
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Women Confess 25 Instant Deal-Breakers On A Man’s Dating Profile
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings