I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?