Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
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I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
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Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS