Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
