Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
We're not piercing ourselves today.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
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