You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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