just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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