Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
last night I used snow as a chaser
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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