He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
you would pick up someone in the library
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
