You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
