I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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