I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
