You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
