I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
