1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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