Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
