Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
cat food counts as protein by the way
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
