She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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