Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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